ITEM: The New York City subway system suffered an atrocious commute yesterday, with some trains being inexplicably stranded in stations for long periods of time.
ITEM: The website “The Dissolve” folded yesterday.
ITEM: United Airlines was forced to ground all of its flights after its computer system mysteriously stopped working.
ITEM: The New York Stock Exchange suspended trading yesterday after its computerized trading system mysteriously stopped working.
ITEM: Immediately after, the Wall Street Journal’s website mysteriously stopped working.
ITEM: More than 2,500 people in Washington, DC mysteriously lost power.
It seems our nation’s centers of powers are facing a mysterious and spreading collapse.
I choose to panic. If you choose to remain calm, good—I’ll get away ahead of you.